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After my six-hour long near-death experience (in which I entered a state of indescribable communion with the Great God Pan in his highest cosmic form, looking as if he was made of all of the stars and galaxies in the Universe), my mother told me that the first time she came to visit me at the hospital, right after surgery when I was practically comatose, she clearly heard her sister's voice in the room with us. My aunt was telling her "I'm so sorry, I was so selfish, I'm so sorry..." over and over again. That freaked my mother the f**k out, so much so that she was still very deeply disturbed even a year afterwards. I naturally DIDN'T tell her about my whole experience on the other side, the part where Pan looked at me from the corner of his eye and smiled upon me knowingly, and I then fell into his endlessly spiralling ram's horns, literally made of the fabric of the cosmos, and ended up walking down a spiral staircase made of black stone. Not a proper sta...
Probable history of the Universe:
RépondreEffacer-The Creator: The true Baphomet, in his eternal, spiritual form.
-The Creation itself: a lesser Baphomet, the Creator's reflection in a black mirror; this form lasted barely a moment.
-The moment of Creation: the lesser Baphomet was split in half, like an atom, releasing the energy necessary for the creation of the physical Universe.
-The result: the masculine half of the lesser Baphomet became the Great God Pan, the feminine half became the goddess, an ethereal force usually represented as a dove or serpent.
-The need for the balance of opposites, and Free Will: the Great God Pan, symbolized as both a good shepherd and an evil goat as one, split himself in half once again, allowing both the archetypes of Jesus (good shepherd) and Satan (evil goat) to exist. Humanity was now free, for better or for worse.
-Today: the Great God Pan is dead, but can never die; he is now the Gatekeeper of the Abyss, standing between existence and negative existence. The Christian narrative reigns supreme.
When I commited suicide back in '11, I possessed neither the occult knowledge nor the intention to peform any sort of ritual, I just wanted to stop suffering and f**king end it all. It is only YEARS later, after a tremendous amount of research attempting to understand the deeper meaning of what I saw and went through on the other side that I finally realized I had UN-intentionally fullfilled Crowley's "NOX" ritual:
RépondreEffacer-the pouring out of all my blood to the Scarlet Woman (in this case my redheaded ex-gf who had viciously broken my heart);
-"Kill Thyself!" (Crowley meant it symbolically, whereas I was quite kitchen-knife-meet-jugular literal);
-the "Night of Pan", even though I had zero expectations about the afterlife, I did meet the Great God Pan among the stars, which immediately healed my pain and destroyed my ego;
-the crossing of the abyss, meeting my late beloved aunt whom acted as my guardian angel (it's only recently that I realized my aunt's name, Gaetane, is the feminine of Gaetan, which is french for "Watcher");
-my godson, which would have been named James after me, died in his mother's womb apparently the very moment I returned to life early the next morning. A part of the NOX ritual is a mock sacrifice and pretending to be lost in the lightless womb of the Great Mother. To this day I wonder if that baby would have lived if I would have remained dead.
ALL of these things and more were self-occuring, and I'm a f**king nobody. So imagine if you're a VIP of sorts. Rituals everywhere.
To quote Reed Richards, when he realized that the Marvel Universe kept repeating the same patterns: "Our reality might not be made of elements and molecules after all, but rather of STORIES that NEED to be told over and over again..."
One of my fondest childhood memories was when I was four, we were living in a remote, rural area, surrounded by thick woods, and my father would bring me near the forest, all along the old train track, to pick wild berries: strawberries, blueberries, raspberries, but best of all the biggest, juiciest blackberries I've ever seen in my life. This single memory somehow justifies the rest of my harsh upbringing.
RépondreEffacerThe reason I'm bringing this up is because when I first watched the Director’s Cut of "Conan the Barbarian" 30 years later, there is an additional scene in which Conan and his friend are busy preparing weapons and traps for their enemies, and he starts talking about how his own father, when he was a little boy in the spring time, would bring him into the wilderness to pick as many delicious berries as possible, the last good memory he held on to dearly before the rest of his life turned to savagery and combat. His friend Subotai says something like: "Every man remembers such things, in the North of his heart."
Despite the fiction of it, we're still hunters and gatherers, 6 or 7 thousand years later, and it actually means something very important to us, beyond words.